I was born a poor white girl in Arkansas…to an alcoholic (sometimes violent) father, who never worked and an emotionally closed off mother who blamed her offspring for the fact that she couldn’t afford nice underwear.
Then I did what was expected of me by my family and society until the year I turned 50.
The moment finally came when I couldn’t take it anymore. Two years of a shit storm of drama produced by me, my ill-behaved second ex-husband and his screeching hateful girlfriends took its toll. My awful feelings of being tossed to the curb, losing my home, the sorrow of betrayal and the loneliness took me to the edge of an abyss I feared I would fall into.
I went off the deep end, quit my job, took my $1,000 and me and my car full of stuff took off for Colorado. Found a couple of part time jobs, lost a bunch of weight, quit drinking, and marinated in the beauty of the humidity free summers of Colorado but after seven months I was running out of money and options. I had to come back to Missouri. Best time of my life – those seven months. But the “transformation” was short lived.
My desire to find my “real self” is mired down in my entrenched habits of laziness and procrastination which are fueled by insecurity and fear.
She’s in there. I just have to find her. If I wake up ten years from now and feel this way I just may drive off a cliff.
The Rest Of The Story
Today I find myself more relaxed and authentic than ever before in my life. Although the nagging feeling that my true-self is yet to emerge still dances around. No longer in a soul sucking job and in a loving and calm relationship that allows me to blossom I feel my quest will be a bit easier.
I guess now I just need to wait and see where this quest takes me…
Thanks for coming along!