Was my trip to Colorado really just buffering?
I am inclined to say yes, because when I returned from Colorado, I fell back into some old patterns I had before I left. Not all of them, but a few.
First what is buffering?
We know it as the moving circle on You Tube videos as we wait for a video to catch up with itself, due to slow internet access.
When you look at buffering in your life it’s when you use various activities, such as eating, drinking, binge watching Netflix, or gossiping, are used to push down some unpleasant feeling or emotion. These activities keep us where we are and not moving forward.
Sometimes we use certain activities to keep us from feeling a certain way.
When I am anxious I drink, when I am unhappy I eat, when I am sad I binge watch Law and Order. These items give me a quick rush of the feel good hormones and I don’t have to deal with what I am feeling.
However, you know on the other end of that tub of ice cream that feeling or emotion you don’t want to deal with will still there and you now more unhappy that you ate all that ice cream. So you eat more to feel better. It’s a cycle we are creating. Our brains become accustomed to the idea that ice cream makes us feel better and we create the idea, we justify our eating of too much ice cream. “I deserve it.” “It was only one bowlful.” “I won’t do it again.”
While I did make progress out in Colorado, would I have been further in my journey if I had in Missouri, and faced my problems head on. Did I just buffer for eight months? Now, I believe I did. I am not discounting the progress I made out there, but I didn’t really face the issues that plagued me. Because many of them have come back.
I did lose weight, but then I gained it back plus more. I did get away from my ex- but the day after I returned I went to see him. Several more months passed before I could completely disengage from him. I stopped drinking and over eating, in Colorado only to start drinking and over eating again.
I also have to admit, for reals now, that my ex-husband was not the cause of all my ills. I know this and I have publicly acknowledged it many times. I believe he was the cause of much of my anxiety, but much of it was there long before I met him.
That being said, I have made gains since returning. I am not trying to discount those. I don’t want to focus on the negative too much, it’s just I am feeling a bit pissy about all of it at the moment.