I felt invisible.
Just recently I stood at the end of bar at a local upscale wine bar, looking out at the people gathered in twos or threes or more. I know no one there.
I can’t just walk up to people and say, Hey, what’s happening? Or, Doesn’t this Chardonnay have a lovely fruity overtone of pineapple?
I am not shy, or fearful. If asked I will stop, drop and give an impromptu speech in front of hundreds.
I am an awkward introvert, yet I do like to socialize, (sometimes).
To add to this, I am 55, with brownish gray hair, that is short, doesn’t cascade down my shoulders. I am not drop dead gorgeous. I don’t call attention to myself in the outward appearance.
Am I okay feeling invisible? I used to get hit on a lot. In bars. At the grocery store. At school.
I colored my hair today, first time in a long time. As I drove home, I thought, Is this color job a cry for attention?
Am I trying to tell myself something?
Like my blog? Buy me a cup of coffee!
There’s also a sense that I am just whining. All the crap that’s going on in the world and I am pondering the meaning of my hair color.
Do I even care if I am invisible?
I would tell myself I care less and less if others saw me. I work quietly in the corner, happily doing what I needed to do. It was when I started blogging and putting myself out there in internet land, the grip of not being noticed tightened, and held on for dear life.
I began to die a slow ugly death brought on by the comparison virus.
Then I started caring.
Caring about attention and visibility is a foreign land for me. When I get attention I am uncertain as how to handle it. Yet, when I put a blog, or a video out there, I want some of that attention damn it!
Am I just setting myself up for the painful realization that my mind is warning me about, No one gives a fuck about what you, a 55 year-old woman has to say.
Should I care? Is saying don’t care about the attention just my way to safeguard not having my feelings hurt? Is it a desire to not feel the sting of truly being invisible.
I struggle with these conflicting message I send myself. I don’t care if you pay attention, but please comment on my blog. Because deep down inside I don’t think I really need or want the attention.
The strong quiet type.
I struggle, yet I know what I truly want.
I want to feel like I matter, what I do matters, what I have to say matters. I want to feel like I have created a purpose to my life. This urgency creeps deeper and deeper into my thoughts as I grow older every day.
The feeling I need to stay visible is really just a need to feel relevant.
I am in a transition, as to what relevant means for me. However, I will say this. I understand who I am and trying to be who I am not has never ended well for me. Attention seeking, and feeling like I need to do something outlandish will not make me feel relevant. I believe that starts within.
In the meantime, as I go about figuring this out- I do love my new hair color!