I’ve been lost for a very long time – 55 years to be exact.
I’ve recently discovered there are two types of “being lost”. The lost I felt for the first 50 years of my life, and the lost I feel now.
Being lost isn’t just about walking around in circles trying to get back on a well-marked road or path. I was on a well-marked road for almost 50 years and I was still lost. Problem was that road was designed by someone else, not by me.
The type of lost I am referring to is not being true to me, my authentic self, and how I wanted to live a life of my design.
I was married two months shy of my 20th birthday. Four months into this marriage I realized it wasn’t what I wanted. Not that my husband was a bad guy or that I didn’t love him. I married him because I felt that was what I was supposed to do. I can still hear my mother – “You should marry that boy, he will calm you down.”
So I did.
I also felt I needed to get married because I didn’t know what else to do. I was ill equipped to function in the real world.
Life my blog? But me a cup of coffee!
During this marriage of almost 20 years I changed my political leanings to suit their ideology. I followed their religious beliefs, mostly out of fear of verbal retaliation for declaring that I didn’t believe in anything. I moved to a place where I had no friends and knew no one. I will not go into many details mostly out of respect for my children, but let’s just say I was miserable. Prozac and I were friends.
After the divorce of my first marriage I fell into a relationship with a good-looking, smooth-talking man with many narcissistic tendencies. Once again I fashioned my life to suit his idea of how we should live. This time vodka and I were friends.
My marriage to my second husband almost cost me my life.
Here is a video of my story I used for a now defunct project. The story is still relevant.
I spent many years lost because I had no idea who I was or what I wanted. This lack of self was exacerbated by me forcing myself to mold my thoughts and behaviors as others said I should, knowing all the time it wasn’t me, it wasn’t what I wanted.
I didn’t have a clear sense of self, no set of unwavering values, no self-worth, or a clear picture of who I wanted to be or where I wanted to go, so it was easy to be led down paths I didn’t want to go.
I wandered around lost, those many years.
When I turned 50 I was still lost. However, I was lost on my own terms. The paths I now wander are not set forth by others, they are not straight. My life is slowly starting to look like me. I am still lost, but this trek into an unfamiliar forest is not scary, it’s exhilarating, and I am so excited to see where this path takes me.
For more resources on how I turned my life around go to my You Tube channel. There you will find many ideas to help you create your own path.
And of course would love your thoughts on being lost!