“I never thought I had the right to say anything”
I hate this photo of me. I keep it around as a reminder never to find myself in those dark days again. But I thought it appropriate for this post.
I had a dream several days ago. My ex-husband’s brother and I were walking hand in hand. In my dream, we were getting married. He was talking to me as we walked. He was telling me to make sure that if I ever needed to say anything just to talk to him.
As I walked with him, I thought to myself, I never thought I had the right to say anything.
Not a right in the legal sense, more as a right in the personal sense. Like I was not worthy or deserving or no one really wanted to hear what I thought or what I had to say.
This thought really stuck with me.
Even days after the dream, I carry the feeling I had when I first work up.
I am fond of silence. I don’t mind what others see as that uncomfortable silence sitting between two people.
I have learned over the past five years that speaking up is not always necessary.
However, I have spent decades not speaking up or advocating for myself when I really needed to. This has led to me going along with situations I didn’t really want to be in. It led to people believing I was okay with their behavior.
My inability to know I have the right to speak up has been defined by many years of being “beat” down, as a child, married to an emotionally abusive man, and my own fears.
I was fearful that if I spoke up I would lose what I had. But guess what? I lost it anyway.
I was fearful that if I spoke up then others would point fingers back at me. But guess what? They did it anyway.
I can’t do anything about anyone’s reaction. Neither can you. But we can most certainly advocate for ourselves.
Would love to hear your thoughts!