Here’s a thing. I’ve started therapy.
About six weeks ago I fell into what can best be described by Google, as walking depression. I wrote about it here.
My life has held a series of patterns, that when I pay attention can offer me a lot of insight. I know there are periods of my life where I feel the strong urge to change something. And I gave into that urge, and at times it cost me dearly.
What was different about this last episode?
Let me share with you what I shared with my therapist.
My life is great. I have a good job that serves a mission I support, and offers me challenges and great projects. Steve is wonderful, best relationship I’ve ever had with a man. My kids and grandkiddos are great. Life is spectacular!
Yet I feel that urge to run.
Without going into my whole session here is the Readers Digest version.
After hearing my history, my therapist says I am ready to thrive. Most of my life has been about surviving. Now that my surroundings are stable, and I have support, it’s time for me to thrive. Externally I recognize the safe space I am in to do some challenging work. However, internally I struggle because I have never dealt with the trauma and abuse of my past.
Today I haven’t run because I know I am safe. In the past I have thought, well if I just change my job, or buy a new car, or get a new boyfriend, or run off to Colorado things will be good. Yes a change of scenery is good, but I can’t spend my life running.
(Side note her – the first time I ran away from home I was 13. I’ve been running my entire life.)
One day I can tell my story, my real story, and not just the surface. One day I can tell you about the true me, dive down below the surface, and know that I will come back up.
But today is not that day. Today is the day I take care of me.
Along with therapy, I’ve started my year of writing and healing, based on the book with the same title, One Year of Writing and Healing, by Diane Morrow. I like her book, because my writing is not based on the same old tired writing prompts. She gently guides you down a path, that is productive, but allows for greater freedom of expression in your responses.
I want to be truly awake to my best self. I am tired of running.
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